The Good Book
by trevalyan
Summary: "This has got to stop," Sebastian Vael announced to the Chantry sisters as he put down the friend-fiction. "And I know just the thing, too."


The heavy doors slammed backwards as Isabela stormed into the Hawke mansion. "You... you LOGHAINS!" she yelled angrily at the gathered party.

"This is why we didn't invite you to Book Club Night," Anders tiredly rubbed the bridge of his nose as he laid down his storybook.

"I'll deal with you in a minute, Sparklecrow," Isabela promised him, before rounding on Aveline and pointing at the lace-embroidered tome in the guard captain's hands. "This... this is forgery! Infringement! Violation of my intellectual property! And here you are casually perusing it, Ser Man-Hands!"

Considering the insult, Aveline was surprisingly measured and relaxed as she counted her rebuttals upon her fingers. "Firstly, it's not claiming it was written by you. Secondly, the frequent themes of intimate tenderness and monogamous bliss means that no one will confuse these tales for your, ah, works. And I'm pretty sure that last one's an imaginary crime, Isabela." A smile came to the redhead's lips, wavering with suppressed emotion. Aveline was trying to hold back a tidal wave of mocking but good-natured laughter. and her quiet snickering made it clear the dam was ready to burst.

"Oh please, Isabela," Merrill's beautiful eyes went wide as she tried a conciliatory approach with the furious pirate queen. "It's really very sweet, like the tale of Captain Isabeeta and her Band of Lazy Pirates, who go out having adventures where everyone has fun. The stories all have really clever morals at the end too!"

"And YOU." Isabela continued as if Merrill and Aveline hadn't said anything, pointing at Varric. Her demeanour was that of an enchantress preparing to turn someone into a toad or summon a swarm of infernal canaries. "I begged you to help me put covers of Chantry hymnals on my smut, but you refuse and then give them to my competitors? I thought we were friends!"

"Rivaini," Varric chuckled, holding up both hands in surrender, "if I was that good at forging the watermarks of the Chantry press? I'd put out a few declarations from Grand Cleric Elthina." Briefly peeking down at his copy of For Richer or Poorer, he grinned while remarking, "Though I gotta say, these things are selling so well they've got to be illegal-"

"Hawke, I'm going to need some help here," Isabela put her hands on her hips as she turned to address the lanky pale woman sitting on the lap of a tattooed elf in a plush chair.

"Which reminds me," Jenny Hawke said lazily, glancing archly back towards Fenris as the elf winced, before unhooking a pouch from her belt and casually tossing it to her dusky friend. "I had to see Anders about that contagious itch Fenris got from somewhere. Must have been all that frolicking in unsafe bushes of ill repute. Anyways, this is me returning whatever favor you were about to claim. Just apply that in the morning and evening, while limiting yourself to oral plea-"

"Joke's on you, I don't have a bush..." Isabela interrupted, and then caught herself. Taking another tack, she clasped her hands in front of her with a sincere expression. "PEOPLE. This is serious, all right?" Isabela pleaded, ignoring the fact Aveline had buried her face in her hands at this pronouncement. "Not only am I losing profits, someone else is trying to steal the title of Kirkwall's Most Lewd Writer, and I will not have it!"

"You know," Sebastian volunteered as he hooked his thumbs briefly in his shiny belt, sauntering into the open house with two Chantry initiates behind him, "it's possible whoever wrote these stories was trying to tap into the needs of the people, just like you. Only they wanted to share how life could be virtuous while still being a fantasy."

Isabella rolled her eyes violently. "Yes well, thanks heaps for your input, Chantry Boy, but we're discussing," at which point Isabela craned her neck to see which story Varric was reading, "two sexy runaways escaping from their life of degradation, starring the shadowy rogue they reward with passionate gratitude. So if you stay here much longer, you're probably going to dent your chastity belt, and considering no one can find the key, that's-" Suddenly distracted by the two initiates whose walk had suddenly become far more sultry and swaying, Isabela whistled. "Why hellooooooo lips, legs, breasts and-"

"We beg your pardon, serrah," the blond initiate cut Isabela off, walking to the right side of Sebastian. The brunette took her place at his left side and spoke after her Chantry sister. "Indeed, we do know the tale. It happened to us," the brunette continued seriously. "We were cousins, both at the mercy of our wicked uncle after the rest of our family was murdered by the darkspawn. The sheer depravity we endured was no small thing, so when Lord Sebastian rescued us," and here the brunette laid her head upon Sebastian's shoulder with an ecstatic smile, "we were ready to give him anything he desired. Yet even as a supposed wastrel, he was gentle, and offered to help us to safety anywhere we liked. So rewarding him was a great honor, as it will one day be for one who could deserve him." The blonde one beamed at Sebastian as she laid a hand on his other shoulder, watching her fellow initiate with bedroom eyes. "It is exceeding cruel to tempt one who wishes to stay true and chaste, though we have learned so many arts that we could use to reward someone who will do good for others." Slowly, the two women drew closer, lips parting in preparation to meet...

Then they each kicked their right feet backwards, and grinned at Isabela as they simultaneously declared, "But we're not gonna, because we're not filthy slut whores!" Tittering, the pair of initiates promptly ran for their lives.

Sebastian watched their departure with a raised eyebrow, clearly impressed. "You know, when they told me they could help, I didn't think it would be so entertaining. Still, the Maker moves in mysterious eeesh..." Sebastian trailed off, having turned around to address Isabela particularly, only to see her skin darkening as she began to shake with rage.

"So let's get -you- moving in mysterious ways." Isabela whispered, a deranged smile starting to play at her lips. "You have a ten second head start."

Sebastian took the hint and bolted for the door. Isabela actually got to eight before she took off after him.

Aveline burst into gales of laughter, and kept laughing until she started to cry. It was, Hawke later reflected, the merriest she had ever seen Aveline since Lothering.


End file.
